I back dated my original posts for a reason, I’ve gone through a particularly transformative period and I wanted my blog journey to reflect it. I want to convey it to you, not because I did it perfectly well and it was graceful and beautiful but because actually it was clumsy and awkward and took real work and was hard and I questioned myself through the process… but it helped. A lot actually.
I was in a work environment with a great deal of toxicity. The energetic relationship in my work environment was one where I gave well and good and often and recaliberated myself regularly to motivate to give that way. What I received was manipulative and negative, it caused self-questioning and criticism and I knew that I needed to leave.
But I faced circumstances at home that made me prioritize pragmatism. My partner wasn’t employed. I’ve always been a scraper. I spent many years of my life, the majority of my working life, employed as an independent contractor. But when you’ve 7 animal babies to care for and a treasured home with a partner, you want to do all you can to save it. Emotionally I was wearing thin and I knew that the truth of what I was giving to my family was not the same conversation as the financial pragmatism. I was going to lose everything if I did not take a leap of faith; my core was shaken and I had to take a major risk and leap. I released what I was done with – what no longer served me.
I’ve always loved this quote by Lao Tzu. This past December I had a day that hit such a low. I was depressed and anxious, all about past and future with no connection to present because of fear that if I wasn’t connected to the possible upset of future or how my past should have mattered though it felt like it didn’t, then maybe I wasn’t being responsible to reality somehow. Oh boy, we will go through all kinds of mental gymnastics, won’t we? I decided to trust my instincts. I had to.
And that’s when everything changed. I scared my partner a bit, asking him to believe in me as I knew I’d find an answer and pull through. I told my work I was leaving and did it in a way I could be proud of, giving proper notice, naming and training a replacement. I sought new work and said yes to an offer that came fast, though it was less of some ego characteristics I’d wished fulfilled, the relief and the ease was a good answer IN THE NOW. So I listened to the now. I gave over to the now. And the first step was release.
Let go of what is not serving you. Do it often. Do it with regularity. Consider: relationships, habits, practices, behaviors, items; what of these is no longer serving your highest good? Let it go. If fear tells you that you may need it in the future but it is not serving you now, perhaps the now work is trust. Trust that you have what you need.
In the next several months I continued to trust my instincts, I continued to listen to my intuition and the nudges it gave me. This required the removal of obstacle thinking. Obstacle thinking is something I often discuss with clients, when they look at a situation and see obstacles before they have even approached the situation. Remove the obstacles. Stand in the now. It is fascinating because always there must be balance. I had practiced release for many years. A wise friend told me, around this critical time of transition, “Don’t give all your energy out, don’t release everything. Release what you are done with, and then keep the rest.” KEEP THE REST. That was smart. Keep some me for me. I needed that reminder. So I let go of the forward and the backward and sat in the now and there I could hear my intuitive guidance screaming.
I wanted to dance but couldn’t seem to get myself to a dance class so I started doing free dance workout videos from youtube in my morning workout. Guess what? The stagnant abdominal energy I had been feeling started moving. I had an acupuncture referral for my lumbar disc issues but could not find an acupuncturist. I spoke about it out loud to multiple people with my same insurance, sourced a woman with specialty ability in my need areas and SHE IS TRANSFORMING MY VESSEL EXPERIENCE. I have wanted to hang upside down for years. There have been several obstacles around making this happen for myself. I said enough is enough and let go of the obstacles, I was gifted money for my birthday and told the people who gifted it to me, “You just gave me an inversion table.” It was ordered and helping me within a week.
And so it goes. I keep releasing, because control is an illusion and it is helpful to understand what you can and cannot change. And when you stop giving space to obstacle thinking and unfair energetic exchange you start having enough energy to be present. And when I’m present I can listen better.
And now my dogs wrestle because they need to go outside. And now I need to be brave and share this writing with you. And then I need to connect with my vessel before I face a full day of office work followed by body/energy work with a client. I have meetings and task and they poke at my anxiety, but they are my future and with the release of obstacle thinking, I’m ready for them. My now is an opportunity to be with this vessel that just started its moon cycle, it needs stretching and core muscle building care. And NOW I am here for it. Listening and helping. May I find the strength to do that throughout the day. And may you find the focus and strength to do that too. You deserve it. Right NOW.